Having a moment

Well, I cheated. Many times. Who's surprised?

Arg. I am mad at myself, but when I wasn't cheating, I was mad at myself, too, because I was in mourning. The thought of no treats for 52 days really messed with my mind, so I ended up giving in, again and again.

But today, I'm not mad anymore. I woke up with the realization that I may seem like a fat, lazy person, but that's only because I've been acting like a fat, lazy person. I've been reflecting, Cady Heron style, I guess.

I'm not a fat, lazy person. I am a responsible, healthy person. Yes, I like my sweets, but liking sweets and having initiative/being healthy are not mutually exclusive.

So I'm going to be a responsible, healthy person who eats healthy food 90% of the time.

That's what I think today, anyway.

Hard Day!

My confidence in whether I could do this definitely faltered today. I guess I know I can, but I second guessed my need to do it. Stress makes me crave like crazy and I worried I would cave somehow. The good news is that I don't have any of my favorite junk in the house and I was able to make it through. It's going to be a grumpy week.

Oh, and my husband is also really stressed, which makes him LOSE weight. Not fair.

1 day down, 51 days to go.

This is hard. And I'm lazy, to boot.

Here's my life for the past month: sinus infection, appendicitis, family death/funeral, sinus infection.

You guys, I do not feel good. Like, at all. Being sick and having surgery and dealing with insurance then getting sick again...it's enough to make a girl kind of depressed.

And let me tell you, too. I'm pretty sure I get man colds. Because I am a total wimp when it comes to eating well when I'm sick. I will live on convenience foods rather than exert the brain power and energy needed to put together a decent meal. When I had appendicitis, I had actually just gone to the store, and a lot of my healthy food just went bad in the fridge. Part of that was that I wasn't cooking, because my incredible neighbors kept us fed for a whole week.

But now, I feel guilt and ick and shame about my bad food choices.

The plan was to get back on the horse today. 

Didn't quite happen.

But then.

I was on Facebook, as I am wont to do during the day. I saw a post from someone (and now I'm thinking this maybe happened yesterday?) on one of my healthy lifestyle groups who is on a strict diet for some medical issues she has. She went 51 days without cheating AT ALL. It started to kind of get to her that she couldn't have her favorite naughty foods, so on day 52 she had a cheat meal. It got her thinking, "ok, I did 51 days. Now can I do 52 days? And recruit some other people to do it with me?" And the group admin said she'd do it, and asked others to do it "please with sugar on top!" To which I replied, "well, if there's sugar on top...," because I use smart-assery as a defense mechanism, and before I knew it, I had signed up for 52 days of clean living. I also think I volunteered for 5 days of exercising a week.

I really want to do this, for two reasons.

First, my health/weight. I have got to get rid of these sicknesses and I've got to detox my body of all these terrible things I eat. I've just got to. I'm not a kid anymore and I want to be healthy for my own kids. Plus, especially if I have a daughter one day, I do NOT, repeat DO NOT want to pass my body issues and my emotional eating issues on to her.

Second, I feel like I often say I'll do something, then I don't. This is with dieting and a lot of other things. It bothers me that I just can't do what I said I would do, more consistently. It bothers me when other people don't have the integrity to stick to their plans, yet, I do it so often.

I have a couple friends doing this with me, and I really want to do it. So...I'm going to do it.

The way it's set up is that you just stick to whatever diet you're doing without cheating. So for me, it's basically the South Beach Diet. I think I'll do Jillian Michaels DVDs and then walk/run outside or on our treadmill for exercise. 

I want to get to the point that I get a high from turning down junk food.

I want to get to a point where I try on clothes for fun. I haven't done that in four years.

I want to look good and be confident for my husband.

I want to look back on each day and be happy with the choices I made, especially when they're not easy.

(I weighed 161 today. The other day I was 158, which is as low as I've been since I was like 18 weeks pregnant.)

"Sugar Day." Virtue or Vice?

My husband is very supportive and doesn't eat sugar all week. Then on Saturday, he has "sugar day." Of course I've been participating. This week's sugar day included Lehi Bakery doughnuts for breakfast, then Cafe Rio for dinner followed by a Sweet Tooth Fairy cupcake. It was a bit much. I loved it, but it was a lot.

I didn't even weigh myself yesterday. Yesterday, I was on the straight and narrow, and am committed to staying there until I lose my next 10 pounds, which will put me at my pre-pregnancy weight.

Anyway, this morning I was at my normal weight. The past two weeks, I have not been strict with myself at all with the diet. I haven't gained weight, but I haven't lost, either. I'm hoping that now that I'm back and focused, the weight will start coming off again. I think going 10 pounds at a time is the right pace for me. Telling myself that I just have to lose 10 pounds, then doing that over and over again with breaks in between.

I really wish my baby would sleep through the night. Last night he woke up three times, his norm. Being up with him for only the 15 minutes it takes to change and feed him might not seem like a big deal, but it really does take a lot longer than that when all's said and done. First, I wake up to him crying. I wait a few minutes to see if he will go back to sleep (my feeble attempt at sleep training). Then I go in his room, change him if I think he needs it, feed him for 10 minutes or so, then put him back in his bed. Sometimes I need to go to the bathroom, and if I changed him then I definitely wash my hands, then I go back to bed myself and try to fall back to sleep. I'm not laying there long before I drift back off, but some nights I'm not asleep long enough to complete a full sleep cycle until 5 or 6 am. That was the case last night. I have gotten to the point that I try to take naps while the boys both sleep during the day, but I can rarely make it work.

I guess what I'm saying is, if I got enough sleep, I think I would have more energy and focus. I would be able to go to the gym in the mornings. I could go to the gym in the mornings now, but I am just not willing to give up my best 2-3 hours of sleep of the day in order to do it.

Anyway. Off to face the day. Wish me luck.

Stress!

Ugh, stress eating. I get nervous about completing a work assignment or a conversation I need to have with someone, and I am totally paralyzed. Procrastinating the task at hand and stress eating like crazy! I don't know how to make it stop, which stresses me out even more. I hate feeling out of control.

Boy am I lucky

160.6! Less than a pound above what I need to be, thank goodness! I find it so motivating when I weigh even just a little less than I expect. I expected today to weigh 162, just like last week, because of all the comfort food I've been eating. So this is exciting and I'm completely confident that I'll be safely nestled in the 150s next week at weigh-in.

Breathing a sigh of relief.

Why is this so hard?

Of course, if it were easy, everyone would do it. It's the hard that makes it great.

I have had a super intense sinus infection for about 10 days. Today I feel like I'm starting to get better. We'll see. If I'm not close to 100% by Wednesday, I'm going to get some antibiotics, because this is just miserable. Ugh.

I've learned that when I'm sick, I eat like crap, which undoubtedly extends my period of sickness. (As much as the "organic" "clean" "whole" food movement irks me, I do believe it. Shh...I totally buy into the idea that food can be our greatest medicine or poison. Do I act on that idea? That's another topic and one that I'll probably need some therapy to reconcile, for real.)

Anyway, eating bad while sickness. I think I do this for two reasons. One to self-medicate, and the other is that bad food is just easier to grab and prepare. I mean, if I have no energy and my whole face is pounding with sinus pain, am I going to broil and weigh talapia, then wash, chop and weigh vegetables to make a very nutritious salad, or am I going to microwave a burrito from the freezer? Duh. Healthy eating is work and it takes preparation.

But, today, I am back on the train. I have to be. I just looked at the schedule in my post below, and while I will most likely be a pound or two heavier than I'm supposed to be this Wednesday, I won't be too far off. I feel that my goals are still completely attainable. I also noticed that on February 19th, which is the exact day that Blake turns 6 months old, I am scheduled to be at my pre-pregnancy weight, which is AMAZING. Getting to that weight after Jameson was born took me a full year.

I'm ready to go. I'm envisioning myself at 135 pounds, just in time for Spring, full of energy and proud of the hard work that went in to achieving my goal.