This is hard. And I'm lazy, to boot.

Here's my life for the past month: sinus infection, appendicitis, family death/funeral, sinus infection.

You guys, I do not feel good. Like, at all. Being sick and having surgery and dealing with insurance then getting sick again...it's enough to make a girl kind of depressed.

And let me tell you, too. I'm pretty sure I get man colds. Because I am a total wimp when it comes to eating well when I'm sick. I will live on convenience foods rather than exert the brain power and energy needed to put together a decent meal. When I had appendicitis, I had actually just gone to the store, and a lot of my healthy food just went bad in the fridge. Part of that was that I wasn't cooking, because my incredible neighbors kept us fed for a whole week.

But now, I feel guilt and ick and shame about my bad food choices.

The plan was to get back on the horse today. 

Didn't quite happen.

But then.

I was on Facebook, as I am wont to do during the day. I saw a post from someone (and now I'm thinking this maybe happened yesterday?) on one of my healthy lifestyle groups who is on a strict diet for some medical issues she has. She went 51 days without cheating AT ALL. It started to kind of get to her that she couldn't have her favorite naughty foods, so on day 52 she had a cheat meal. It got her thinking, "ok, I did 51 days. Now can I do 52 days? And recruit some other people to do it with me?" And the group admin said she'd do it, and asked others to do it "please with sugar on top!" To which I replied, "well, if there's sugar on top...," because I use smart-assery as a defense mechanism, and before I knew it, I had signed up for 52 days of clean living. I also think I volunteered for 5 days of exercising a week.

I really want to do this, for two reasons.

First, my health/weight. I have got to get rid of these sicknesses and I've got to detox my body of all these terrible things I eat. I've just got to. I'm not a kid anymore and I want to be healthy for my own kids. Plus, especially if I have a daughter one day, I do NOT, repeat DO NOT want to pass my body issues and my emotional eating issues on to her.

Second, I feel like I often say I'll do something, then I don't. This is with dieting and a lot of other things. It bothers me that I just can't do what I said I would do, more consistently. It bothers me when other people don't have the integrity to stick to their plans, yet, I do it so often.

I have a couple friends doing this with me, and I really want to do it. So...I'm going to do it.

The way it's set up is that you just stick to whatever diet you're doing without cheating. So for me, it's basically the South Beach Diet. I think I'll do Jillian Michaels DVDs and then walk/run outside or on our treadmill for exercise. 

I want to get to the point that I get a high from turning down junk food.

I want to get to a point where I try on clothes for fun. I haven't done that in four years.

I want to look good and be confident for my husband.

I want to look back on each day and be happy with the choices I made, especially when they're not easy.

(I weighed 161 today. The other day I was 158, which is as low as I've been since I was like 18 weeks pregnant.)